About 8am, I woke to the phone ringing. Robert’s name read on the screen. This wasn’t a normal time for him to call, so I picked answered.

Trying to disguise my groggy morning voice, I said: “Hello?” 

Robert: “Hey dear, I’m on my way home.” 

Heart skipping a beat, I ask: “Why?” 

Robert: “I went to the emergency room this morning. I hit a cow on the road on my way to work. The car’s totaled. I won’t be going in to work today.” 

Me: “Where are you?”

Robert: “I’m almost home, your dad is driving me.”

Me: “How didn’t see you a cow on the road?!” 

Robert: “It was dark. I didn’t see it until it was too late.” 

Me: “Are you ok?” 

Robert: “The emergency room said everything looked fine. They told me to take 3 days off to rest.” 

Me: “Why didn’t you call me?” 

Robert: “I didn’t want to wake you. I know you don’t get much sleep with the kids.” 

This wasn’t a first call I had received where he’d been through a close call, but this was by far the most startling and upsetting. My heart swirled with questions and concerns surrounding the vehicle and the unpaid time off work. Looking back, these were minor concerns.

The Morning Everything Changed

Early dawn May 21st, 2021, my husband Robert crashed into a cow that was loose on the road. Upon impact, the cow slid up the hood of the car, making its way up and over to the side (rather than directly into the car itself). The impact forced my husband forward, hitting his head into the cow as it rammed into the windshield before going over and to the side of the car.

We firmly believe that it was a divine miracle that the trajectory of the cow was diverted. It should have continued into the driver’s side of the car, but instead, it went up and over.

What first seemed like it would be 3 days off work, ended up being a series of injury leave extensions. We began to wonder when he’d be well enough to return to work. It wasn’t until about the 1 year marker that returned to his former employment… Physically speaking, he wasn’t ready to get back to the hard labor of delivery work and semi driving. But we needed the money. Short term disability had long since run out, and to make matters worse, he had been denied unemployment.

Secondary Trauma

The months that followed the accident, I carried a deep unspoken guilt for not having been there with him after it happened. The image of my husband alone on the road, possibly unconscious and for who knows how long, plagued me for months.

Robert received medical support, while working through both the physical challenges with his care team, as well as some of the emotional ones. In this season I began to feel as though I carried an unseen trauma that was wholly unrecognized. I remember describing it like: “I saw myself standing at the scene of the accident looking at the car and my husband. Watching the EMT’s administer care to him, then eventually escort him away, leaving me standing alone. I felt abandoned. Looking down at the ground, I could see the shattered glass scattered across the asphalt. This was what was left… me and the pieces.” This picture reflected the emotional condition of my heart.

Shock and residual stress built up; watching Robert go through physical struggles, appointment after appointment, took a toll on me both emotionally and physically. I carried his pain in my soul. While he rested and recovered with each and every new challenge. I would hide away and cry.

My heart felt the grumpiness he expressed while I facilitated his at home care. The drives to his appointments soon became frequent arguments. Over time his disposition towards me changed as he grew more frequently angry. This portion wasn’t visible to the outside world, as he would put on a happy face for guests. (I’m not convinced he was even aware that he was doing this.) Naturally, my efforts to keep things positive always kept focus on the good – progress – when people would ask.

I didn’t think that I was burying things, I really tried not to stress over the condition of my world, but over time I started to deal with major digestive pains (ulcers). I was maxed out with what I could handle so I ignored it for as long as I could. Retrospectively I can see where I wasn’t dealing with things, … thinking about it, it wasn’t until a little while later that I really learned how to bring Jesus into the equation..

Progress

The memory of those first days during that initial week are forever imprinted in my mind. Robert was exhausted and sleepy. I had read somewhere that that diffusing lavender helped calm patients with brain injuries. Tucking him into bed, I’d turn the diffuser on and tell him that I’d be back to check on him. He’d turn to me and say: “Please don’t forget about me.”

My heart broke. How could I forget him? I’d leave the bedroom door open a crack so that I could peak in every so often to be sure that I was there for him if he needed me.

These are details that escape him.

Those first days and weeks post-accident looked much like him sleeping often, struggling with normal activities such as: balance, motion and movement, spatial and rational judgment, as well as suffering significant vision disturbances and eye pain.

After months of appointments, therapies, and specialists, we were told that he was dealing with the symptoms of a complicated concussion. We’d ask questions about recovery and outcome. Understandably, the medical professionals would try to have us focus on one step at a time.  

Outwardly he seemed to normalize a bit before hitting a wall over and over again. Each task he’d formerly been able to do was something he had to rebuild a tolerance to so that he could do it pain-free (eventually) once-again.

The biggest challenge lay in the fact that the more that he seemed to heal physically, the more that he seemed to lose control of his emotions. 

Facts & Truths

Anger and personality changes were something I’d read about. Robert’s therapists and Dr’s had also discussed this as a common effect of this kind of injury. One of the most common phrases that you read when trying to navigate this kind of issue: “this is the new normal.“

Believing that God’s best for him was healing, we prayed together about what path to take with Robert’s recovery. We were faced with the reality of having to address tangible issues, meanwhile trying to navigate standing in faith for God’s hand in the situation. Something we stood on, was that God told us from the beginning that Robert would be healed. But God did give us peace about pursuing medical care locally.

I think the biggest ‘what-ifs’ that come to a person’s mind when facing something like this are:

• Am I getting my spouse the right care?
• Am I asking the right questions?
• Are we doing enough therapies?
• Can we afford the care he really needs?
• Will a specialist be able to treat him better?
• What if we didn’t start care soon enough?

At the beginning of his care, we were informed about the importance of starting with his therapy quickly for the best outcome. I knew that I was in over my head and I knew financially the odds were against us. We had never planned for anything like this to happen. Point blank, we weren’t prepared.

When navigating Robert’s care I knew that I needed God, He was our hope. Just like I knew that what I was seeing with my eyes and experiencing in daily life (with everything going on with my husband) was contradictory to what we believed God told us. So how do we navigate the deficit?

I took the word that God gave me, and I held onto it as though it was the breath of life itself. Whenever it felt like what God said was not happening, and I needed another word… I would go back to him and ask: “What now?”

He’d say: “What did I say at the beginning? Go back to that. I haven’t changed my mind.”

Many discouraged months, I’d run to my place of comfort: out in the woods for a hike… I cried out to God again, and again for a new word. He’d always direct me back to what He said at the beginning: Robert will be healed. Teary-eyed and shaky, I’d pick that word back up and remind myself.

Finding Jesus In The Pain

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain…” 

Anyone who has walked through intense hardship for any period of time, knows that the weight of the burden gets heavy, and the promises can begin to feel like they’re a long time in coming. Everyday can feel like an eternity.  

Not long before Robert’s healing, I began to ask God: “How much longer?”

Scripture says that hope deferred can make the heart sick; my heart had become sick.

Proverbs 13:12 TPT, ‘When Hope’s dream seems to drag on and on, the delay can be depressing. But when at last your dream comes true, life’s sweetness will satisfy your soul.”

God does not forget the ones suffering, He began to show up for me in some of the deepest difficulties during this period. It wasn’t an audible voice, and it wasn’t all at once, but He began to gently guide me day by day through various situations. He showed me the personality shift and the anger that my husband was exhibiting, weren’t him. It wasn’t long before we really tasted deliverance.

Prior to the breakthrough, Jesus gave me a glimpse of the version of Robert unhindered by trauma and brain injuries, anger and emotional wounds. And He asked me to help him find his way back. The words he left me with were this: ‘no one is irredeemable.’ 

There were a number of resources that began to confirm a vision I received. It suggested that Robert’s outbursts were influenced by outside control. The vision the Holy Spirit gave me, was that of a creature putting its clawed hand into Robert’s head controlling his thoughts and reactions. Robert confirmed this, stating the pain he experienced in his brain during these episodes matched the location I saw this creature’s hand placed in his head. This information opened up communication between Robert and I, subsequently it helped direct us towards deliverance resources.

Hindsight reveals that Jesus didn’t leave me alone at all. He gently took my hand and lead me step by step into the solution… without Him, I wouldn’t have know to take the step we took. He drew close to my heart when I was lost, hurting, and didn’t know what to do. And He helped me reach my husband, breaching the wall that the enemy had created through the trauma he’d experienced.

Stepping Into Trust

Song of Songs 4:8a TPT, “Now you are ready, my bride, to come with me as we climb the highest peaks together. Come with me through the archway of trust… “

In the waiting I learned how to give my husband and all of the things that I was concerned about regarding my husband, to Jesus. Carrying the burdens myself had become damaging to my soul.

Shifting into trust looked different than what I’d done in the past.

Proverbs 15:1 TPT, “Respond gently when you are confronted and you’ll defuse the rage of another. Responding with sharp, cutting words will only make it worse…” 

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 TPT, “If I were to speak with eloquence in earth’s many languages, and in the heavenly tongues of angels, yet I didn’t express myself with love, my words would be reduced to the hollow sound of nothing more than a clanging symbol. 

And if I were to have the gift of prophecy with a profound understanding of God’s hidden secrets, and if I possessed unending supernatural knowledge, and if I had the greatest gift of faith that could move mountains, but have never learned to love, then I am nothing. 

And if I were to be so generous as to give away everything I owned to feed the poor, and to offer my body to be burned as a martyr, without the pure motive of love, I would gain nothing of value. ” 

My marriage was confronted with explosive conflict during that season my husband suffered from the repercussions of a complicated concussion. Sometimes I felt like we’d go in circles over arguments I thought we’d gotten past years before. Many nights things hung by threads… I felt bewildered, like I was fighting an unfair battle upstream. His mouth would say the most hurtful things at whim. 

I don’t really remember exactly where the shift happened, I just remember being desperate, knowing my words weren’t enough. 

The Holy Spirit began to adjust my responses in the middle of the stream of accusations as they would come. I stopped setting up my defenses and began following the lead of Holy Spirit. Though my legs might have been shaky, I stood, owning my faults. Recognizing where he was hurting and acknowledging it; apologizing for my part in his wounds. (That part was very hard at first, because I was hurting too!) I had to trust that God would honor the sacrifice of abandoning my defense, and heal me in spite of seemingly stepping backwards – dropping my guard. 

He started by taking me through 1 Corinthians 13. This is what love looks like. 

Honestly, while first perusing the chapter, in light of events, I felt like I could easily pinpoint where Robert fell short. But when it came to the words: ‘Love is not easily offended,’ the Holy Spirit began to show me that every time I was trying to tell Robert how he hurt me and why. It was offenses to his anger that were fueling me. I had been trying to justify myself for closure. Those words cut deep. I knew I needed to repent and course correct. It didn’t matter how many faults my husband had against me, I was responsible for my part. 

That’s how the Kingdom works… we aren’t called to make ourselves known, or to make sure we get what we deserve. We are called to righteousness through repentance (correction). We are called to love and serve (love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all). We are called to speak life where death has tried to overtake us and our situations. We shift the atmospheres with our submission to His ways, and by doing so we activate the Kingdom to work on our behalf. 

God was teaching me how to love my husband in a season he couldn’t choose of his own will to love me. He was too bound by the enemy.

A secondary (powerful) key is Gratitude. This goes hand in hand with love; together they break down hardened walls. 

First, I repent where I have either hurt my husband or lacked the acknowledgement of his efforts, and then I begin to acknowledge the areas where I truly appreciate him. More than not, we step into victory through these processes.

These keys were pivotal to preparing my husband’s heart to be ready and open to receiving his complete healing and deliverance. But more than that, they have become practices we have implemented into our lives. 

A common narrative that is depicted between husband and wife, is where each one inflates their efforts, competing for who works the hardest. Robert and I fell into this trap… but as God brought us through the toxic conflict he taught us these keys. We are both aware that we, each one, works hard. So rather than putting the other person down, we make a daily habit of verbally appreciating the efforts of the other person. This completely deflates competition and quenches strife. Likewise it postures our hearts to be filled with greater love for the other person.

Proverbs 14:1 TPT, “Every wise woman encourages and builds up her family, but a foolish woman over time will tear it down by her own actions.” 

It’s interesting how these things have encouraged an exchange between my husband and I: seeking where we can better serve the other. The heart posture here, is not expecting perfection, but understanding that when we mess up, we step right back into the process of love, trust, & gratitude.

Circling-Back

I understand that this timeline in this post is a bit disjointed and messy. I would say this mirrors what it is like to walk through trauma while learning to heal; nothing is tidy, nor linear. Things may pop up seemingly completely unrelated to what you’re walking through, at odd times, and triggers can feel unrelenting. I have found that the Holy Spirit likes to take these moments and use them for healing and restoration.

My journey may still be in-progress, but God has brought me strides along the way from where I was. The main emphasis in my story is that Jesus never leaves us to walk through these things alone, and if we allow him, He will meet us in the pain.

He wants to take your hand and walk you through the battles that no one else seems to see, and He wants you to know: He sees you.

Psalms 56:8 TPT, “You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping. You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost. For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.”